Old people slow us all down.

If you're like me, you like things to go smoothly. You want the traffic to be reliable and quick, and you want to get your shopping done in time for dinner. Yes, this is the American Dream.

However, there is a major factor that slows us all down, trainwrecks us in the theoretical turnstile of life:

OLD PEOPLE.

Before you start whining about how your Nana is fine, there are a lot of good ones, don't get me wrong. I'm talking about the ones that do not belong in their own house, and do not belong anywhere near the social world. If they do go out, trouble ensues.

This phenomenon usually starts with the old person in question realizing their bones hurt or some stupid thing like that, and need some medication. For this explanation, I would like to use an example. This is our good friend Agnes.



This is phase one. Usually, when you see the old person in question hobbling down the steps of their front porch, stay inside and keep away.

Phase two, is the most dangerous. When the old person is on the road, they will incessantly leave their blinkers on for an hour, swerve all over the road, usually sit 3 inches from the steering column, and the top of their head is at least level with if not underneath the top of the wheel. (See also, ghost driver phenomenon).



IF you survive this bout with an old person, the worst is yet to come. Parking is a major difficulty with old people. They park diagonally in a straight lined parking lot, and straight in a diagonally painted one. They take up two HANDICAPPED spaces, and take their time walking in front of your car.

When the store is entered, usually the old person forgets what he/she came here for. They will try to pick fights with cashiers and employees (where else do you think they get all these stories to tell their friends?).

If you have survived this:



you are ready for anything, my friend.