What's up with hats these days?!?

OK, this question is pretty relevant to today. I saw a bunch of "gangstas" wearing their typical attire: baggy clothes, K-Swiss shoes, and the obligatory bling. But, what the fuck is up with the new trend lately with the straight-brimmed baseball caps with the fucking stickers still all over it?!?!?!? You look STUPID! You don't scare me! I can ghetto-lean in my car wearing all that dumb ass shit too, but I choose not to because I don't feel like regressing back to the stone age, dumbshits.



Are you that lazy?!?!? Take the fucking stickers off! Every time I see this shit, I feel like ripping the hat off of their head, bending the brim as hard as I can, tearing the damn sticker off. Seriously, you guys look like K-Fed or something, and THAT IS NOT A COMPLIMENT. Trust me on this one. K-Fed is high on the "stupid-ass-celebrities-that-should-be-killed" list. Do you guys think that this is a behavior that gets you laid? Whatever, you probably will say: "but I do get laid, blah blah muhfuggin' BLAHH!" Two words for you, buddy: MERCY FUCK.



While we are still talking about hats, I'll also address an issue that has been a problem too. Old men also do not know how to wear hats, either.

Here is a picture on how an old man SHOULD wear a hat.



And here is a picture of how old men wear hats NOW.



See the difference?

People, wake the fuck up. Seriously.

People have horrible taste when it comes to what you drive.

I am pretty much due for a new car, but a dilemma is stopping me from picking a new one: the cars that are out today suck ASS! Everything is either bigger or boxier, or a pretentious hybrid car.

The number one culprit is the Scion. You ever see those commercials? Where there's this ghetto-ass rap ship playing while you see how "customizable" this car is? If it's so customizable, why does every one I see on the road look the SAME?!?!?!?



This thing is a fricken brick. How the hell can you get good gas mileage in this piece of shit? The wind resistance must be so high in this thing. It's design is the worst? What, did the guy who designed this get his ideas from a tissue box?

Let's compare wind resistance in the wind tunnel test.



As you can see, the huge boxy brick obviously fails hard at this test. So does anyone who buys one. Actually, the only people I see driving these things are old people, and if you have read up on this blog, you should know that I'm GLAD old people drive them. I hope they drive them off a boxy cliff, and die a boxy death.

Another thing that pisses me off about cars, is the retarded white trash that buys a 92' Honda or an 86' Corolla and tries to make it a fucking race car. They buy a ridiculous spoiler (because they are actually going to need it), and a bodykit that usually goes unpainted due to laziness or lack of color coordination. So they drive these "import killers" with smashed windows and a different color door around their white trash trailer parks, blasting rap music that sounds less talented than a fat guy's farts. These people need a wake up call. Nobody likes what those cars look like. NOBODY. The only person you are appealing to is yourself. Just keep throwing that shit all over your car.


PROOF OF GAYNESS.

Oh and another thing:

Girls, stop with the fucking Mardi Gras beads, you whores. I don't need to know how much of a slut you are. That goes for guys hanging the garter from the rearview mirror. I dunno, it sounds to me like you are trying to convince people that you're not a flaming faggot.

Why is Harry Potter showing us his magic wand?

I think that guy you see on the street with the "END IS NEAR" sign must be right. Something is amiss. The universe is ending soon, and this is inevitable proof:



WHAT THE FUCK?!??!?!??!!

All that suspense and plot from Harry Potter all shattered to pieces when I heard about Daniel Radcliffe's new play/movie/whatever it is. Is this the end? Thanks a lot, fucking internet. You fucking suck!

Commercials suck ass.

It is almost impossible to turn on the damn TV without running into a slew of commercials screwing up whatever you are watching. One thing you may notice as well: there are too many commercials out now that talk about uncomfortable things that make me sick.



These commercials are always the same. There is a woman loading a canoe, skydiving, or mountain climbing with her husband. Then, the music cuts in and the woman announces that she has herpes. If you haven't changed the channel yet, it goes on, flashing picture after picture of the happy couple, kissing and spreading herpes.

Which brings me to a question: if you have herpes, why would you even THINK of having sex? All I could think about is killing myself of scalding off my privates with boiling hot oil. Sex? No wonder STDs spread so fucking much. They should shoot everyone with STDs into space, so they can fuck around and spread it as much as they want.

Another commercial, although rarer, is much more disturbing: the Nasonex bee. Besides from being a part-time pedophile, the Nasonex bee has an allergy problem. His perverse sexual fantasy with a flower cannot be fulfilled until he is blasted with Nasonex. Do bees even have a fucking nose? I really don't think so.



Lastly, the one that everyone is laughing about: the Domino's Cheesy Garlic Bread Pizza. This is a complicated commercial, so let me break it down for you.

It starts out with a bunch of mutants eating a pizza, actually, molesting a pizza by smelling, tasting, looking, and hearing it. The mutant with the big mouth gets mad that the big nosed guy won't taste it, so he jams pencils up his nose to kill his sense of smell. The big nosed guy smashes the big mouthed guy in the face until his teeth are all knocked out. Meanwhile, the big eyed guy tries to break it up, but ends up getting his eyes poked out when the big nosed guy sneezes, shooting the pencils into his eyes. Hilarity ensues when the big eared guy's ears explode from the loud volume of his neighbor playing "Hips Don't Lie" while he is strapped to a chair, being forced to eat the remains of his mutant friends.

Actually, the only part of that that is true is the first sentence. But, if the commercial was actually like that, I wouldn't mind so much.

Fat people don't deserve handicapped parking spaces

Have you ever seen a car pull into a handicapped space all crooked, and take up three spaces, only to see a humongously fat person leave the vehicle? Does the fat person walk normally? Don't you think that those spaces should be reserved for other people that have more serious problems?

Well, I do, and there is an answer.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, a breakthrough in parking technology:

The Fattycapped space.



The fattycapped space, much like the handicapped space, gives the user a special parking privilege. However, there is one difference in the placement of these spaces: PARKING IS AS FAR AWAY FROM THE STORE AS POSSIBLE. Don't you think that the fat person in question should be getting as much exercise as possible? They have no right to be lazier and take all of the closer spaces just because they can't breathe a proper amount of oxygen with their fat-lungs. Seriously, these tubs of lard need a few calories sizzled off the neck fat for once.



While I'm on handicapped parking, I want to complain about how there are so many retards driving around with their handicapped tag hanging on their rear-view mirror constantly, too lazy to take it off. THEY ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE THERE ALL THE TIME! If you really need it, get a handicapped (or fattycapped) license plate!!

Old people slow us all down.

If you're like me, you like things to go smoothly. You want the traffic to be reliable and quick, and you want to get your shopping done in time for dinner. Yes, this is the American Dream.

However, there is a major factor that slows us all down, trainwrecks us in the theoretical turnstile of life:

OLD PEOPLE.

Before you start whining about how your Nana is fine, there are a lot of good ones, don't get me wrong. I'm talking about the ones that do not belong in their own house, and do not belong anywhere near the social world. If they do go out, trouble ensues.

This phenomenon usually starts with the old person in question realizing their bones hurt or some stupid thing like that, and need some medication. For this explanation, I would like to use an example. This is our good friend Agnes.



This is phase one. Usually, when you see the old person in question hobbling down the steps of their front porch, stay inside and keep away.

Phase two, is the most dangerous. When the old person is on the road, they will incessantly leave their blinkers on for an hour, swerve all over the road, usually sit 3 inches from the steering column, and the top of their head is at least level with if not underneath the top of the wheel. (See also, ghost driver phenomenon).



IF you survive this bout with an old person, the worst is yet to come. Parking is a major difficulty with old people. They park diagonally in a straight lined parking lot, and straight in a diagonally painted one. They take up two HANDICAPPED spaces, and take their time walking in front of your car.

When the store is entered, usually the old person forgets what he/she came here for. They will try to pick fights with cashiers and employees (where else do you think they get all these stories to tell their friends?).

If you have survived this:



you are ready for anything, my friend.

WHY THE FUCK DO CANADIANS SHOP HERE?

If you live up north close to the Canadian border like me, you will often see a large group of people infiltrating the United States. This special group of people are more dangerous than any terrorist threat.

Canadians.



If you see one on the road, or in a store, steer clear and stay away. If you are unsure if the person is Canadian or not, check for some of these signs:

1. The car in front of you does not turn on a green arrow.
2. People are in a parking lot throwing boxes and garbage around so they don't have to pay the insanely low duty tax.
3. They don't know how to check out, or pretty much do anything in a store.

One of the big factors you must also remember, is if you are in line at the pharmacy. For some reason, Canadians like to come to the US to "buy" prescription medicine without a prescription (which they cannot do, DUUUUHHHHHHH). Also, they are stupid enough to ask for name brands that only exist in Canada and also ask for the notorious placebo pill they like to call:

TYLENOL WITH CODEINE AND CAFFEINE NO. 1.



This drug is not only useless (you can take a shitload of other ones that do the same thing), but it pisses the Canadian off, making them say stuff like: "You mean to tell me I came all the way from TORONTO and you don't have what I need?"

Well, dumbshit, if you SHOPPED in Canada, you would not only get EXACTLY what you are looking for, you would pay less for it. Why the fuck do you come here, waste all my time, and then wonder why you can't buy Canadian products? BECAUSE YOU'RE IN THE US YOU RETARD!!!

Think about it. You waste an hours worth of gasoline to come here, and then think you will save some money, and STILL make it through customs smuggling the crap like some sort of retarded thieves. Customs searches a random queue of cars anyway, so it doesn't matter how good you hide crap under the baby seat. With all the time and money wasted, WHAT IS THE POINT?!??!!?? Duty is a SMALL percentage of what you buy. PAY IT AND STOP WHINING. AND STOP LITTERING!!! Canadians come here, buy new shoes, leave their old ones in the parking lot, open boxes and throw them in the parking lot, and throw garbage everywhere. Lazy ass bastards. It's called a fucking garbage can, USE IT.

Until you show me that you guys can come over here and be at least a LITTLE competent, then stay the hell out of my stores.