Big Sunglasses: Because you are too ugly to go without them.

I really don't think I need to disclose any information about this next topic. If you've been paying attention like good little boys and girls, then you have probably noticed that I have been constantly bashing styles and trends. Why not, you ask, put them all into one post? Well, some days things piss me off more than others, (especially when people spell 'hot' with TWO Ts), and deserve their own posts. End of the story.

Hmmm. What's to say about the huge fake Gucci sunglasses that girls wear nowadays? Have you ever noticed them? Well, I was in Target the other day (Target isn't smelly like Wal-Mart, and the people are a lot better). I saw a girl in the shampoo aisle, with the horrendously ugly looking quiff hairstyle, and HUGE brown sunglasses.

Last time I checked, the sun wasn't shining in the store. I looked around, desperately trying to find a light source that deserved to be blocked out, but found none. I speculated that maybe the "future was too bright", but that hasn't been the case since 1989. (Since the 90s were ultimately terrible, except for Nickelodeon shows).

Why do these girls need to wear these HUGE specs in stores, snapping their gum and texting like fools? I have done some research, and as a result of vigorous scientific research, I have come up with this solution:

The huge sunglasses cover up about 50 percent of the face. Therefore, that means, with the features covered, that girl is 50 percent less ugly. It hit me like a ton of bricks. Now I understood! The glasses are for very nervous girls. However, keep in mind that if you fall for a girl with these windshields on their face, remember to tell her that she looks good in the glasses, so you will never see her ugly face.

Here's an example for any of you that need a visual example:
Here is an ugly girl:

And here is the same ugly girl with BIG glasses on:

SEE THE DIFFERENCE!?!?!??

Actually there are some retards who like this look. When I was Googling for images to use, I came across a blog with this one reply, and it summed up exactly WHAT kind of guy likes the glasses:

I don't think I have anything to say about this. Wow.

Actually, now that I look back at it, I shouldn't be complaining about the glasses. A world with less uggos definitely holds a bright future. So disregard the whole post. Sorry about that.

Texting: The most useless thing since the fax machine.

Seriously guys, what the fuck is wrong with you? No matter where I go, I see huge groups of bubblegum snapping, huge sunglass-wearing (I'll save that for a later post), texting attention whores carrying their HUGE ugly Razrs or Blackberries around.

I know you've seen it. Some girl, sitting alone or in a group, nervously checking their phone every 5 seconds. They glance at it, furiously type out some useless shit on a NUMERICAL keypad, and sending their stupid ass text message to their stupid ass friends.

Help me out Gilbert Gottfried:


WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!

I just don't get it. What's not to get, you ask? Here are my reasons:

1. What can you say in a text that you can't say in person? Instead of texting thousands of messages over a period of a week, you can SAY those sentences over the phone in about 10 minutes.
2. You look retarded.
3. When I go to see Pirates of The Caribbean, I see a sea of fucking LCD screens as stupid teens text about the movie or some shit.
4. You can't possibly type efficiently with a 10 key number pad. Why the fuck would you want to press a key 3 or 4 times just to get to a letter?
5. OMG, I haet teh wy u tlk when u txt!!!!!!!11!one!! (What the FUCK does TEH mean, anyway?)

I think America should forget about the No Child Left Behind policy, because these kids are too retarded to pass Middle School. I mean, you sound as dumb as this guy:

Babies SUCK

Hi all, sorry for taking FOR-EV-UH to get back to you. I am a busy person, which you may or may not believe, so I have been unable to post. Needless to say I have been incredibly angry because I was not venting on this blog.

Well, back to the drawing board.

Babies. What the hell is up with people and babies? Every time a woman has a baby, everyone instantly flocks to it and drools over how "cute" it is. Ugh. I think I just threw up in my mouth a bit.

I usually tell it like it is, so here it is: BABIES ALL LOOK THE SAME!!! There is nothing about a baby that distinguishes it from the rest of them, besides skin color. Otherwise, they are pudgy, fat, disgusting, drooling, pooping, puking bags of flesh. All they do is sleep (lazy bastards), eat slime and cry. And spill things. That's like inviting a retarded vagrant into your house, and you don't want a retarded bum living with you, do you?

Has anyone ever noticed that their hands are always coated with this grimy film that smells like poop and baby powder? I have. I will never let a baby touch my face, or I will probably vomit forcefully on it.

I think that to avoid this whole mess, we should have robots take care of babies until they stop being so gross. That way, you will remain stink-free, and you don't have to buy a shitload of baby stuff that you have to lug all over the place.

Also, WHY do people bring babies to places like malls or Disney World? They can't do anything. They can't go on rides. They definitely won't remember anything because of the mushy dumb-brains in their soft skulls. All they do is slow everyone down, much like the handicapped people that go there. HOW can you enjoy a THEME PARK in a wheelchair/stroller? It is beyond me.

And those gay clothes that people buy for them. If the babies were aware of what they were wearing, they'd kill the parents in their sleep. I'm serious, babies are pretty evil. I have a new idea for baby clothes:

To be worn over head.

What's with the fucking quiff?

Next time you go to the mall, you should look for a group of whores that obviously don't realize how fucking stupid they look. I know, you may overlook them, because they are not only ugly as fuck, but also are pretty ignorable. But, to the point, lately I've noticed that a lot of them all have this shitty hairstyle: THE QUIFF.


Yeah, I got it off some stupid site that makes you pay for a bigger pic. What retards. But, back to the point.

How do they do it? Do they comb their hair back and have someone spit in it or something to keep the ugly ass arch on top of their head? Comb the ridiculous thing down. You don't look stylish. You basically reinvented Elaine's haircut on Seinfeld. Except Elaine's hairstyle was okay because the show took place in the late eighties to the mid nineties, a time where we can all agree that 99.999999998% of the planet was fucking ridiculous, so we can excuse Elaine.

I have a great idea. If you don't like the hassle of doing up your quiff, then here is an instant solution: The Elvis wig.



It looks the same, and you never need to comb or do it again!

But YOU. What is wrong with you people?!?!? I ask myself the same damn question when I see old ladies with caked on makeup and nasty perfume and dyed black poofy hair: "Do you honestly look in the mirror and think you look GOOD?!?!?"


It doesn't look to good here, does it? Same fucking thing.

This looks ALMOST as stupid as shaved off, penciled in eyebrows. Quit it, you retards.

Gaia Online is full of AIDS-infested faggots.

The internet can churn out some really stupid pages. Some are a freaking waste of time. Sometimes a lot of really stupid people can find these really stupid pages, and then we have a problem. The internet becomes a breeding ground for 1337-speak and music fags, mall-goths, and weeaboos everywhere. If Gaia Online was a building, I'd totally fly a plane into it. Hands down.

What could be so wrong with one little site? Well, lets take a look at the things Gaia Online has to offer. You make something that Gaians call an "avi", which really is an avatar. You are this deformed anime character, and you post for GOLD. An annoying concept. You cannot eat, breathe, cut your hair, or dress up without first posting thousands of posts in what Gaians call the "Chatterbox". Let's take a look at what the chatterbox has to offer:



WOW. I mean, WOW. THAT is what you have to spend time in to get gold? Just READING THE TITLES make me lose brain cells! I'd rather snort Pixy Stix and watch Dora the Explorer instead. What a waste of time!

Inside the chatterbox, you will find ugly 13 year olds with loads of ridiculous problems. Here are some examples, as I cannot fully describe the idiocy:





And finally, the most pathetic:



These people also attempt to draw. 99% of Gaia draws, and 99% of Gaia cannot draw. Also, they only draw anime characters. Drawing cartoons do not make you an instant artist. Many of these gaiafags think otherwise, and proceed to make "avi" art, for a small fee.



What is my point? Gaia is a horrible carbuncle of a site that needs to be destroyed. Someone should just go find the creator and shoot them in the balls with a sawed-off shotgun.

20,000 Gaiafags waste their lives daily. Shame.

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What's up with hats these days?!?

OK, this question is pretty relevant to today. I saw a bunch of "gangstas" wearing their typical attire: baggy clothes, K-Swiss shoes, and the obligatory bling. But, what the fuck is up with the new trend lately with the straight-brimmed baseball caps with the fucking stickers still all over it?!?!?!? You look STUPID! You don't scare me! I can ghetto-lean in my car wearing all that dumb ass shit too, but I choose not to because I don't feel like regressing back to the stone age, dumbshits.



Are you that lazy?!?!? Take the fucking stickers off! Every time I see this shit, I feel like ripping the hat off of their head, bending the brim as hard as I can, tearing the damn sticker off. Seriously, you guys look like K-Fed or something, and THAT IS NOT A COMPLIMENT. Trust me on this one. K-Fed is high on the "stupid-ass-celebrities-that-should-be-killed" list. Do you guys think that this is a behavior that gets you laid? Whatever, you probably will say: "but I do get laid, blah blah muhfuggin' BLAHH!" Two words for you, buddy: MERCY FUCK.



While we are still talking about hats, I'll also address an issue that has been a problem too. Old men also do not know how to wear hats, either.

Here is a picture on how an old man SHOULD wear a hat.



And here is a picture of how old men wear hats NOW.



See the difference?

People, wake the fuck up. Seriously.

People have horrible taste when it comes to what you drive.

I am pretty much due for a new car, but a dilemma is stopping me from picking a new one: the cars that are out today suck ASS! Everything is either bigger or boxier, or a pretentious hybrid car.

The number one culprit is the Scion. You ever see those commercials? Where there's this ghetto-ass rap ship playing while you see how "customizable" this car is? If it's so customizable, why does every one I see on the road look the SAME?!?!?!?



This thing is a fricken brick. How the hell can you get good gas mileage in this piece of shit? The wind resistance must be so high in this thing. It's design is the worst? What, did the guy who designed this get his ideas from a tissue box?

Let's compare wind resistance in the wind tunnel test.



As you can see, the huge boxy brick obviously fails hard at this test. So does anyone who buys one. Actually, the only people I see driving these things are old people, and if you have read up on this blog, you should know that I'm GLAD old people drive them. I hope they drive them off a boxy cliff, and die a boxy death.

Another thing that pisses me off about cars, is the retarded white trash that buys a 92' Honda or an 86' Corolla and tries to make it a fucking race car. They buy a ridiculous spoiler (because they are actually going to need it), and a bodykit that usually goes unpainted due to laziness or lack of color coordination. So they drive these "import killers" with smashed windows and a different color door around their white trash trailer parks, blasting rap music that sounds less talented than a fat guy's farts. These people need a wake up call. Nobody likes what those cars look like. NOBODY. The only person you are appealing to is yourself. Just keep throwing that shit all over your car.


PROOF OF GAYNESS.

Oh and another thing:

Girls, stop with the fucking Mardi Gras beads, you whores. I don't need to know how much of a slut you are. That goes for guys hanging the garter from the rearview mirror. I dunno, it sounds to me like you are trying to convince people that you're not a flaming faggot.