Kid Nation! AKA Dicky Little Bastards Who Can't Even Wipe Their Own Ass

I decided to update twice today, since it's been ages since an update.

Anyway, as the constant slew of reality TV shows build up to a climax, Kid Nation jumps in the fray. Oh great, I thought, another dumb reality show created by the government to keep you completely brain dead and unaware of REAL reality. Boy, was I right!

The premise of Kid Nation, or KN, as the ultra-sexy logo flashes on the commercials, is that people who sniffed paint too much and shot way too much heroin wanted to see how 40 kids can handle living on their own. Sound pretty familiar, huh?



But get this (record scratch) -- IT'S IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE! IN A GHOST TOWN!

Wow. That's pretty cool. I mean, I thought the show would be a little promising. I mean, I was looking forward to seeing kids eating manure, goring each other with pitchforks, and dying of dysentery, the cheeky bastards. But no. All I saw was a bunch of whiny, sub-retarded wastes of sperm trying to open doors without hitting their heads.


Kids doing what they are best for--manual labor.

The first episode was pretty stupid. I'll recap it for you. This Jewish kid spun a dreidel all day and talked to himself. A little boy was a wimp and cried. The leaders consisted of Apu from the Simpsons, a ginger kid, a kid with cerebral palsy, and some other girl. Well that was the gist of it. I think that kid had CP but I'm not so sure. Oh what the fuck who cares.


Fuckers.

Anyway, on the second episode, they decided that they were to kill chickens. I was like WTF? They were eating frozen hash browns and mac and cheese in the first episode, and all of a sudden they have to kill for food? Obviously the writers planted this idea in their head, since they wrote it in this faux-diary of these "settlers" that stayed in "Bonanza City", since it is a real place and all.

Well, I didn't watch, because I am an animal lover. I mean, I'm not some wimpy-ass vegetarian or anything, I just can't watch violence against animals. I can watch humans die, but not animals. I think it's because humans are all assholes. Animals can't be since they have no malicious intent.

Anyway, these brats aren't really alone since the cameramen are there and this pedophile guy tells them what to do now and then, so why kill the chickens?

I'll tell you why. It's because these idiotic producers have no plan for this show. They ran out of ideas the second after they thought of the show. After you take out the real danger, survival, and fears by filming and supervising them slightly, the show sucks. So these writers have to make things fresh by showing America what it wants to see. Survival, death, killing, murder, tears, and sorrow.

I hope that these kids all die from salmonella. Either that or the rest of the chickens should peck their eyes out and shit in the eye-holes.

Little dicks.

You idiots are completely ignorant.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad spoke at Columbia University a few days ago, and everything that resulted from it was highly expected. Of course, there was a constant stream of Neo-Con bullshit, which was understandable. Well, I missed the live feed, so I watched the video on YouTube.

Now, I don't support the Iranian president, but I think his time in the United States could have been a hell of a lot better. Firstly, he tried to lay a wreath at ground zero, which was immediately denied. What the hell is wrong with this country? Do we seriously distrust people that much that we can't accommodate a simple sign of human compassion?

Secondly, the president was asked a bunch of questions at Columbia U. You'd think, at any college, the students and staff would have knowledgeable questions that have academic and intuitive aims. WRONG. All the questions for the president were completely idiotic. It was like FOX news was paying the kids to say this shit.

Here's a pic of some of the kids who asked questions.



They even had the audacity to boo him. Great. Boo a leader of a middle eastern country, treat him like shit, don't let him show us he cares about 9/11, thats fine. Just don't come running to me when planes fly into shit. The whole trip to him must have shown him that Americans are stupid, ignorant assholes with no dignity.



I mean, who really is better? Bush or Mahmoud? I don't think we're in any position to judge others' countries, since ours is such a sack of shit. Katrina, the "war" on "terrorism", finding Osama Bin Laden.... It's a big shitload of failure. And we have the audacity to grill someone from a country our Administration is so scared of.

I'm quite sure Mahmoud is going to go home with a big smile on his face. "Man, those Americans are so accepting and so nice. They should poke their noses into everyone's business--that's how nice they are!"

Yeah right. If we get attacked in the near future, don't run around like chickens with their heads cut off. You deserved it.

Big Sunglasses: Because you are too ugly to go without them.

I really don't think I need to disclose any information about this next topic. If you've been paying attention like good little boys and girls, then you have probably noticed that I have been constantly bashing styles and trends. Why not, you ask, put them all into one post? Well, some days things piss me off more than others, (especially when people spell 'hot' with TWO Ts), and deserve their own posts. End of the story.

Hmmm. What's to say about the huge fake Gucci sunglasses that girls wear nowadays? Have you ever noticed them? Well, I was in Target the other day (Target isn't smelly like Wal-Mart, and the people are a lot better). I saw a girl in the shampoo aisle, with the horrendously ugly looking quiff hairstyle, and HUGE brown sunglasses.

Last time I checked, the sun wasn't shining in the store. I looked around, desperately trying to find a light source that deserved to be blocked out, but found none. I speculated that maybe the "future was too bright", but that hasn't been the case since 1989. (Since the 90s were ultimately terrible, except for Nickelodeon shows).

Why do these girls need to wear these HUGE specs in stores, snapping their gum and texting like fools? I have done some research, and as a result of vigorous scientific research, I have come up with this solution:

The huge sunglasses cover up about 50 percent of the face. Therefore, that means, with the features covered, that girl is 50 percent less ugly. It hit me like a ton of bricks. Now I understood! The glasses are for very nervous girls. However, keep in mind that if you fall for a girl with these windshields on their face, remember to tell her that she looks good in the glasses, so you will never see her ugly face.

Here's an example for any of you that need a visual example:
Here is an ugly girl:

And here is the same ugly girl with BIG glasses on:

SEE THE DIFFERENCE!?!?!??

Actually there are some retards who like this look. When I was Googling for images to use, I came across a blog with this one reply, and it summed up exactly WHAT kind of guy likes the glasses:

I don't think I have anything to say about this. Wow.

Actually, now that I look back at it, I shouldn't be complaining about the glasses. A world with less uggos definitely holds a bright future. So disregard the whole post. Sorry about that.

Texting: The most useless thing since the fax machine.

Seriously guys, what the fuck is wrong with you? No matter where I go, I see huge groups of bubblegum snapping, huge sunglass-wearing (I'll save that for a later post), texting attention whores carrying their HUGE ugly Razrs or Blackberries around.

I know you've seen it. Some girl, sitting alone or in a group, nervously checking their phone every 5 seconds. They glance at it, furiously type out some useless shit on a NUMERICAL keypad, and sending their stupid ass text message to their stupid ass friends.

Help me out Gilbert Gottfried:


WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!

I just don't get it. What's not to get, you ask? Here are my reasons:

1. What can you say in a text that you can't say in person? Instead of texting thousands of messages over a period of a week, you can SAY those sentences over the phone in about 10 minutes.
2. You look retarded.
3. When I go to see Pirates of The Caribbean, I see a sea of fucking LCD screens as stupid teens text about the movie or some shit.
4. You can't possibly type efficiently with a 10 key number pad. Why the fuck would you want to press a key 3 or 4 times just to get to a letter?
5. OMG, I haet teh wy u tlk when u txt!!!!!!!11!one!! (What the FUCK does TEH mean, anyway?)

I think America should forget about the No Child Left Behind policy, because these kids are too retarded to pass Middle School. I mean, you sound as dumb as this guy:

Babies SUCK

Hi all, sorry for taking FOR-EV-UH to get back to you. I am a busy person, which you may or may not believe, so I have been unable to post. Needless to say I have been incredibly angry because I was not venting on this blog.

Well, back to the drawing board.

Babies. What the hell is up with people and babies? Every time a woman has a baby, everyone instantly flocks to it and drools over how "cute" it is. Ugh. I think I just threw up in my mouth a bit.

I usually tell it like it is, so here it is: BABIES ALL LOOK THE SAME!!! There is nothing about a baby that distinguishes it from the rest of them, besides skin color. Otherwise, they are pudgy, fat, disgusting, drooling, pooping, puking bags of flesh. All they do is sleep (lazy bastards), eat slime and cry. And spill things. That's like inviting a retarded vagrant into your house, and you don't want a retarded bum living with you, do you?

Has anyone ever noticed that their hands are always coated with this grimy film that smells like poop and baby powder? I have. I will never let a baby touch my face, or I will probably vomit forcefully on it.

I think that to avoid this whole mess, we should have robots take care of babies until they stop being so gross. That way, you will remain stink-free, and you don't have to buy a shitload of baby stuff that you have to lug all over the place.

Also, WHY do people bring babies to places like malls or Disney World? They can't do anything. They can't go on rides. They definitely won't remember anything because of the mushy dumb-brains in their soft skulls. All they do is slow everyone down, much like the handicapped people that go there. HOW can you enjoy a THEME PARK in a wheelchair/stroller? It is beyond me.

And those gay clothes that people buy for them. If the babies were aware of what they were wearing, they'd kill the parents in their sleep. I'm serious, babies are pretty evil. I have a new idea for baby clothes:

To be worn over head.

What's with the fucking quiff?

Next time you go to the mall, you should look for a group of whores that obviously don't realize how fucking stupid they look. I know, you may overlook them, because they are not only ugly as fuck, but also are pretty ignorable. But, to the point, lately I've noticed that a lot of them all have this shitty hairstyle: THE QUIFF.


Yeah, I got it off some stupid site that makes you pay for a bigger pic. What retards. But, back to the point.

How do they do it? Do they comb their hair back and have someone spit in it or something to keep the ugly ass arch on top of their head? Comb the ridiculous thing down. You don't look stylish. You basically reinvented Elaine's haircut on Seinfeld. Except Elaine's hairstyle was okay because the show took place in the late eighties to the mid nineties, a time where we can all agree that 99.999999998% of the planet was fucking ridiculous, so we can excuse Elaine.

I have a great idea. If you don't like the hassle of doing up your quiff, then here is an instant solution: The Elvis wig.



It looks the same, and you never need to comb or do it again!

But YOU. What is wrong with you people?!?!? I ask myself the same damn question when I see old ladies with caked on makeup and nasty perfume and dyed black poofy hair: "Do you honestly look in the mirror and think you look GOOD?!?!?"


It doesn't look to good here, does it? Same fucking thing.

This looks ALMOST as stupid as shaved off, penciled in eyebrows. Quit it, you retards.

Gaia Online is full of AIDS-infested faggots.

The internet can churn out some really stupid pages. Some are a freaking waste of time. Sometimes a lot of really stupid people can find these really stupid pages, and then we have a problem. The internet becomes a breeding ground for 1337-speak and music fags, mall-goths, and weeaboos everywhere. If Gaia Online was a building, I'd totally fly a plane into it. Hands down.

What could be so wrong with one little site? Well, lets take a look at the things Gaia Online has to offer. You make something that Gaians call an "avi", which really is an avatar. You are this deformed anime character, and you post for GOLD. An annoying concept. You cannot eat, breathe, cut your hair, or dress up without first posting thousands of posts in what Gaians call the "Chatterbox". Let's take a look at what the chatterbox has to offer:



WOW. I mean, WOW. THAT is what you have to spend time in to get gold? Just READING THE TITLES make me lose brain cells! I'd rather snort Pixy Stix and watch Dora the Explorer instead. What a waste of time!

Inside the chatterbox, you will find ugly 13 year olds with loads of ridiculous problems. Here are some examples, as I cannot fully describe the idiocy:





And finally, the most pathetic:



These people also attempt to draw. 99% of Gaia draws, and 99% of Gaia cannot draw. Also, they only draw anime characters. Drawing cartoons do not make you an instant artist. Many of these gaiafags think otherwise, and proceed to make "avi" art, for a small fee.



What is my point? Gaia is a horrible carbuncle of a site that needs to be destroyed. Someone should just go find the creator and shoot them in the balls with a sawed-off shotgun.

20,000 Gaiafags waste their lives daily. Shame.

Powered by ScribeFire.

What's up with hats these days?!?

OK, this question is pretty relevant to today. I saw a bunch of "gangstas" wearing their typical attire: baggy clothes, K-Swiss shoes, and the obligatory bling. But, what the fuck is up with the new trend lately with the straight-brimmed baseball caps with the fucking stickers still all over it?!?!?!? You look STUPID! You don't scare me! I can ghetto-lean in my car wearing all that dumb ass shit too, but I choose not to because I don't feel like regressing back to the stone age, dumbshits.



Are you that lazy?!?!? Take the fucking stickers off! Every time I see this shit, I feel like ripping the hat off of their head, bending the brim as hard as I can, tearing the damn sticker off. Seriously, you guys look like K-Fed or something, and THAT IS NOT A COMPLIMENT. Trust me on this one. K-Fed is high on the "stupid-ass-celebrities-that-should-be-killed" list. Do you guys think that this is a behavior that gets you laid? Whatever, you probably will say: "but I do get laid, blah blah muhfuggin' BLAHH!" Two words for you, buddy: MERCY FUCK.



While we are still talking about hats, I'll also address an issue that has been a problem too. Old men also do not know how to wear hats, either.

Here is a picture on how an old man SHOULD wear a hat.



And here is a picture of how old men wear hats NOW.



See the difference?

People, wake the fuck up. Seriously.

People have horrible taste when it comes to what you drive.

I am pretty much due for a new car, but a dilemma is stopping me from picking a new one: the cars that are out today suck ASS! Everything is either bigger or boxier, or a pretentious hybrid car.

The number one culprit is the Scion. You ever see those commercials? Where there's this ghetto-ass rap ship playing while you see how "customizable" this car is? If it's so customizable, why does every one I see on the road look the SAME?!?!?!?



This thing is a fricken brick. How the hell can you get good gas mileage in this piece of shit? The wind resistance must be so high in this thing. It's design is the worst? What, did the guy who designed this get his ideas from a tissue box?

Let's compare wind resistance in the wind tunnel test.



As you can see, the huge boxy brick obviously fails hard at this test. So does anyone who buys one. Actually, the only people I see driving these things are old people, and if you have read up on this blog, you should know that I'm GLAD old people drive them. I hope they drive them off a boxy cliff, and die a boxy death.

Another thing that pisses me off about cars, is the retarded white trash that buys a 92' Honda or an 86' Corolla and tries to make it a fucking race car. They buy a ridiculous spoiler (because they are actually going to need it), and a bodykit that usually goes unpainted due to laziness or lack of color coordination. So they drive these "import killers" with smashed windows and a different color door around their white trash trailer parks, blasting rap music that sounds less talented than a fat guy's farts. These people need a wake up call. Nobody likes what those cars look like. NOBODY. The only person you are appealing to is yourself. Just keep throwing that shit all over your car.


PROOF OF GAYNESS.

Oh and another thing:

Girls, stop with the fucking Mardi Gras beads, you whores. I don't need to know how much of a slut you are. That goes for guys hanging the garter from the rearview mirror. I dunno, it sounds to me like you are trying to convince people that you're not a flaming faggot.

Why is Harry Potter showing us his magic wand?

I think that guy you see on the street with the "END IS NEAR" sign must be right. Something is amiss. The universe is ending soon, and this is inevitable proof:



WHAT THE FUCK?!??!?!??!!

All that suspense and plot from Harry Potter all shattered to pieces when I heard about Daniel Radcliffe's new play/movie/whatever it is. Is this the end? Thanks a lot, fucking internet. You fucking suck!

Commercials suck ass.

It is almost impossible to turn on the damn TV without running into a slew of commercials screwing up whatever you are watching. One thing you may notice as well: there are too many commercials out now that talk about uncomfortable things that make me sick.



These commercials are always the same. There is a woman loading a canoe, skydiving, or mountain climbing with her husband. Then, the music cuts in and the woman announces that she has herpes. If you haven't changed the channel yet, it goes on, flashing picture after picture of the happy couple, kissing and spreading herpes.

Which brings me to a question: if you have herpes, why would you even THINK of having sex? All I could think about is killing myself of scalding off my privates with boiling hot oil. Sex? No wonder STDs spread so fucking much. They should shoot everyone with STDs into space, so they can fuck around and spread it as much as they want.

Another commercial, although rarer, is much more disturbing: the Nasonex bee. Besides from being a part-time pedophile, the Nasonex bee has an allergy problem. His perverse sexual fantasy with a flower cannot be fulfilled until he is blasted with Nasonex. Do bees even have a fucking nose? I really don't think so.



Lastly, the one that everyone is laughing about: the Domino's Cheesy Garlic Bread Pizza. This is a complicated commercial, so let me break it down for you.

It starts out with a bunch of mutants eating a pizza, actually, molesting a pizza by smelling, tasting, looking, and hearing it. The mutant with the big mouth gets mad that the big nosed guy won't taste it, so he jams pencils up his nose to kill his sense of smell. The big nosed guy smashes the big mouthed guy in the face until his teeth are all knocked out. Meanwhile, the big eyed guy tries to break it up, but ends up getting his eyes poked out when the big nosed guy sneezes, shooting the pencils into his eyes. Hilarity ensues when the big eared guy's ears explode from the loud volume of his neighbor playing "Hips Don't Lie" while he is strapped to a chair, being forced to eat the remains of his mutant friends.

Actually, the only part of that that is true is the first sentence. But, if the commercial was actually like that, I wouldn't mind so much.

Fat people don't deserve handicapped parking spaces

Have you ever seen a car pull into a handicapped space all crooked, and take up three spaces, only to see a humongously fat person leave the vehicle? Does the fat person walk normally? Don't you think that those spaces should be reserved for other people that have more serious problems?

Well, I do, and there is an answer.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, a breakthrough in parking technology:

The Fattycapped space.



The fattycapped space, much like the handicapped space, gives the user a special parking privilege. However, there is one difference in the placement of these spaces: PARKING IS AS FAR AWAY FROM THE STORE AS POSSIBLE. Don't you think that the fat person in question should be getting as much exercise as possible? They have no right to be lazier and take all of the closer spaces just because they can't breathe a proper amount of oxygen with their fat-lungs. Seriously, these tubs of lard need a few calories sizzled off the neck fat for once.



While I'm on handicapped parking, I want to complain about how there are so many retards driving around with their handicapped tag hanging on their rear-view mirror constantly, too lazy to take it off. THEY ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE THERE ALL THE TIME! If you really need it, get a handicapped (or fattycapped) license plate!!

Old people slow us all down.

If you're like me, you like things to go smoothly. You want the traffic to be reliable and quick, and you want to get your shopping done in time for dinner. Yes, this is the American Dream.

However, there is a major factor that slows us all down, trainwrecks us in the theoretical turnstile of life:

OLD PEOPLE.

Before you start whining about how your Nana is fine, there are a lot of good ones, don't get me wrong. I'm talking about the ones that do not belong in their own house, and do not belong anywhere near the social world. If they do go out, trouble ensues.

This phenomenon usually starts with the old person in question realizing their bones hurt or some stupid thing like that, and need some medication. For this explanation, I would like to use an example. This is our good friend Agnes.



This is phase one. Usually, when you see the old person in question hobbling down the steps of their front porch, stay inside and keep away.

Phase two, is the most dangerous. When the old person is on the road, they will incessantly leave their blinkers on for an hour, swerve all over the road, usually sit 3 inches from the steering column, and the top of their head is at least level with if not underneath the top of the wheel. (See also, ghost driver phenomenon).



IF you survive this bout with an old person, the worst is yet to come. Parking is a major difficulty with old people. They park diagonally in a straight lined parking lot, and straight in a diagonally painted one. They take up two HANDICAPPED spaces, and take their time walking in front of your car.

When the store is entered, usually the old person forgets what he/she came here for. They will try to pick fights with cashiers and employees (where else do you think they get all these stories to tell their friends?).

If you have survived this:



you are ready for anything, my friend.

WHY THE FUCK DO CANADIANS SHOP HERE?

If you live up north close to the Canadian border like me, you will often see a large group of people infiltrating the United States. This special group of people are more dangerous than any terrorist threat.

Canadians.



If you see one on the road, or in a store, steer clear and stay away. If you are unsure if the person is Canadian or not, check for some of these signs:

1. The car in front of you does not turn on a green arrow.
2. People are in a parking lot throwing boxes and garbage around so they don't have to pay the insanely low duty tax.
3. They don't know how to check out, or pretty much do anything in a store.

One of the big factors you must also remember, is if you are in line at the pharmacy. For some reason, Canadians like to come to the US to "buy" prescription medicine without a prescription (which they cannot do, DUUUUHHHHHHH). Also, they are stupid enough to ask for name brands that only exist in Canada and also ask for the notorious placebo pill they like to call:

TYLENOL WITH CODEINE AND CAFFEINE NO. 1.



This drug is not only useless (you can take a shitload of other ones that do the same thing), but it pisses the Canadian off, making them say stuff like: "You mean to tell me I came all the way from TORONTO and you don't have what I need?"

Well, dumbshit, if you SHOPPED in Canada, you would not only get EXACTLY what you are looking for, you would pay less for it. Why the fuck do you come here, waste all my time, and then wonder why you can't buy Canadian products? BECAUSE YOU'RE IN THE US YOU RETARD!!!

Think about it. You waste an hours worth of gasoline to come here, and then think you will save some money, and STILL make it through customs smuggling the crap like some sort of retarded thieves. Customs searches a random queue of cars anyway, so it doesn't matter how good you hide crap under the baby seat. With all the time and money wasted, WHAT IS THE POINT?!??!!?? Duty is a SMALL percentage of what you buy. PAY IT AND STOP WHINING. AND STOP LITTERING!!! Canadians come here, buy new shoes, leave their old ones in the parking lot, open boxes and throw them in the parking lot, and throw garbage everywhere. Lazy ass bastards. It's called a fucking garbage can, USE IT.

Until you show me that you guys can come over here and be at least a LITTLE competent, then stay the hell out of my stores.

Most Vegetarians Really Irk Me

As I was thinking about what to write today, I remembered something that happened to me a few weeks ago, at the mall.

I was in line at the Japanese Wok restaurant at the food court, waiting for my plate of chicken teriyaki. All of a sudden, I smelled body odor and bad taste. Two humongously fat and hideously ugly girls slammed their trays down on the rail.

"NO MEAT, just VEGETABLES", the larger one barked at the poor girl at the register.

Then, the two scumbags began to berate and put down anyone that eats meat. They talked about how people who eat meat are 'disgusting', and should be 'rounded up in a slaughterhouse themselves'. Yeah. Classic stuff.

Then they had the audacity to tell the woman at the register to tell the cooks to cook on a CLEAN part of the Hibachi Grill, so their VEGETABLES would not be contaminated by the meat.

Now, don't get me wrong--I don't care if you are vegan or vegetarian (most of you, however, don't eat enough protein though, which causes you to live fewer years you fricking retards), but, when you slow everyone down and act like an asshole in public, then it gets personal.

If there was a hell, those stupid whores will be there when they die. And their hell, much like yours, will look something like this.



(NOTE: For those of you who say they will not eat something with a face, remember. VEGGIE TALES vegetables have faces. And googly eyes, you bastards. How could you?!?!?!?!?)

What the hell is happening to us all?!??!?!

Top ten things I hate:

10. People that stick NASCAR numbers on their car, but drive 5 miles below the speed limit. (If you have the number, you better have the speed)
9. Girls who shave off their eyebrows, and pencil them in. (WHAT IS THE POINT?!?!? You look like a transvestite!)
8. Old people without the mental ability to venture out into society, but try anyway.
7. Support Our Troops ribbons. (Stuck right on those gas guzzling SUVs)
6. Country music. (Do they HAVE to sing like that?)
5. MySpace. (Don't even bother arguing with me)
4. Sarah Silverman. (UNfunny. Shock comedy is a way of saying "I have no talent")
3. Standup comedy. (Breeds retards who repeat the 'jokes' over and over again)
2. Religion. (Adults with imaginary friends)
1. G.W. Bush. (Hands down)

It's things like this that make me never want to have children. This world is going to shit and some retards are helping.

Dead Guy at Disney!!!

While we were minding our business in Epcot, we were about to go back to the hotel, but first, we decided to make a quick trip to the Coca-Cola store to taste the awesome pops from around the world. ON our way, we noticed an old man lying on the grass near the place. So, like whole-hearted citizens, we took photos. Some nearby kids told us that he was poked by a staff member, and did not wake up. So, we got a cool memento. Dead, drunk, asleep. It's your call.

Hey everybody!

Let me first start off by saying this: I HATE THE WORD BLOG AND ANY WORD WITH "BLOG" IN IT. I hate it almost as much as I hate the term PODCAST (and all those retarded words that go with it, i.e., podcasting, podcaster), BUT unfortunately, it is the only thing online right now. Since BLOGGING is so trendy, ANY site that lets you type ANYTHING is automatically labeled as a blog. And no, I'm not a wannabe journalist either.

With that being said, here is a picture from one of my recent trips to Disney.