Texting: The most useless thing since the fax machine.

Seriously guys, what the fuck is wrong with you? No matter where I go, I see huge groups of bubblegum snapping, huge sunglass-wearing (I'll save that for a later post), texting attention whores carrying their HUGE ugly Razrs or Blackberries around.

I know you've seen it. Some girl, sitting alone or in a group, nervously checking their phone every 5 seconds. They glance at it, furiously type out some useless shit on a NUMERICAL keypad, and sending their stupid ass text message to their stupid ass friends.

Help me out Gilbert Gottfried:


WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!

I just don't get it. What's not to get, you ask? Here are my reasons:

1. What can you say in a text that you can't say in person? Instead of texting thousands of messages over a period of a week, you can SAY those sentences over the phone in about 10 minutes.
2. You look retarded.
3. When I go to see Pirates of The Caribbean, I see a sea of fucking LCD screens as stupid teens text about the movie or some shit.
4. You can't possibly type efficiently with a 10 key number pad. Why the fuck would you want to press a key 3 or 4 times just to get to a letter?
5. OMG, I haet teh wy u tlk when u txt!!!!!!!11!one!! (What the FUCK does TEH mean, anyway?)

I think America should forget about the No Child Left Behind policy, because these kids are too retarded to pass Middle School. I mean, you sound as dumb as this guy:

Babies SUCK

Hi all, sorry for taking FOR-EV-UH to get back to you. I am a busy person, which you may or may not believe, so I have been unable to post. Needless to say I have been incredibly angry because I was not venting on this blog.

Well, back to the drawing board.

Babies. What the hell is up with people and babies? Every time a woman has a baby, everyone instantly flocks to it and drools over how "cute" it is. Ugh. I think I just threw up in my mouth a bit.

I usually tell it like it is, so here it is: BABIES ALL LOOK THE SAME!!! There is nothing about a baby that distinguishes it from the rest of them, besides skin color. Otherwise, they are pudgy, fat, disgusting, drooling, pooping, puking bags of flesh. All they do is sleep (lazy bastards), eat slime and cry. And spill things. That's like inviting a retarded vagrant into your house, and you don't want a retarded bum living with you, do you?

Has anyone ever noticed that their hands are always coated with this grimy film that smells like poop and baby powder? I have. I will never let a baby touch my face, or I will probably vomit forcefully on it.

I think that to avoid this whole mess, we should have robots take care of babies until they stop being so gross. That way, you will remain stink-free, and you don't have to buy a shitload of baby stuff that you have to lug all over the place.

Also, WHY do people bring babies to places like malls or Disney World? They can't do anything. They can't go on rides. They definitely won't remember anything because of the mushy dumb-brains in their soft skulls. All they do is slow everyone down, much like the handicapped people that go there. HOW can you enjoy a THEME PARK in a wheelchair/stroller? It is beyond me.

And those gay clothes that people buy for them. If the babies were aware of what they were wearing, they'd kill the parents in their sleep. I'm serious, babies are pretty evil. I have a new idea for baby clothes:

To be worn over head.